Martin (John Amplas), a young man who looks around 20-years-old, boards a train in Indianapolis, Indiana for New York. At night, he breaks into a sleeping car and sedates a woman with a syringe full of narcotics. She struggles, but he tells her not to struggle or be upset because she wont feel pain. After a few minutes, the woman falls asleep, and Martin has sex with the unconscious woman. Afterwards, he slices her wrists with a razor blade so he can drink her blood. The woman bleeds to death in her sleep.
In the morning, the train stops in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania where Martin disembarks. He is met by Tata Cuda (Lincoln Maazel) an elderly and hostile old man who claims to be his cousin from the Old World. Together, they travel by another train to the town of Braddock, a dying industrial suburb. They walk to Cuda's large house where he shows Martin his living quarters. Cuda then accuses Martin of being an 84-year-old vampire from his old country. He has taken in Martin because he is family, but tells him, "First I will save your soul. Then I shall destroy you." Martin denies being a vampire and implies that Cuda is merely his uncle rather than his cousin. Cuda then puts up strings of garlic on the doors to his and his granddaughter's room, and then holds up a small cross when Martin approaches him. Martin takes away the cross, and even takes a bite of the garlic mocking these attempts by saying bitterly, "There's no real magic... ever". Cuda tells Martin that he can come and go as he pleases. But he also warns Martin that he will kill him if he kills anyone in Braddock. He also tells Martin to stay away from his granddaughter Christine (Christine Forrest), whom arrives home from her job that evening.
Cuda introduces Christine to Martin, but also warns her to stay away from him. But Christine instead strikes up a friendship with Martin who confides in her about his vampire heritage. When Cuda later confirms Martin's claims to be a vampire, Christine, not surprisingly, refuses to believe either one. She thinks that Cuda and the other members of her family have driven Martin to insanity by making him think that he is a vampire. It is never revealed if Martin really is a vampire, or just a shy and lonely youth with troubled issues. Christine is the only person that Martin gets the courage to talk to. When Christine's boyfriend Arthur (Tom Savini) arrives at the house for dinner, Martin stops talking and backs away despite Arthur's attempt at a conversation. Christine later confides in Martin that she hopes to leave Braddock someday with Arthur, even though Martin points out that Arthur treats her badly and is both verbally and physically abusive towards her.
When Christine sees that Martin won't talk to anyone else, she buys him a phone which he installs in his room. Martin begins to repeatingly call a radio talk show where he describes what it's like to be a vampire. He becomes known on the radio as "the Count" to all the listeners. But the patronizing host (Michael Gornick) thinks he's just crazy.
Martin gets a job at Cuda's grocery store of stocking shelves, hauling boxes around, and even gets to be a delivery boy for some of the customers. One of his customers is a certain Abby Santini (Elyane Nadeau), who becomes taken in with Martin. She is a very friendly young woman who is depressed when she tells Martin that her husband is unfaithful. But Martin still does not have the nerve to talk with her, so she is happy to have someone to confide in with her life problems. Martin phones the radio show host to describe his infatuation with the housewife and senses that she wants to have sex with him. When the radio show host asks Martin if it is a sexual problem that he has involving women criticizing him during sex, Martin replies that he has never had sex with a woman who was awake.
One day, Martin travels by train to outside Braddock to look for victims. At a supermarket, he follows a young woman (Sarah Venable) home to her posh suburban house. He sees the woman's husband (Richard Rubenstein) leave for a long business trip, and Martin decides this would be the right time for more feeding. Martin returns to the house after dark and breaks in through the garage door. But it is Martin who gets the surprise when he bursts into her bedroom to find her in bed with her adulterous lover Lewis (Al Levitsky). After a vicious struggle, Martin jabs both of them with hyprodermic needles with narcotics, and waits for the drugs to take affect. He drags the unconscious body of Lewis from the house to a clump of trees across the street where he kills him by shoving a broken tree branch into his neck and drinks his blood. Martin returns to the house where he has sex with the unconscious woman. But out of compassion and pity, he decides to let her live.
Martin begins to have romantic monochrome visions of his vampire past (real or imagined), where he drained blood from a young woman and was chased through the streets of a nameless European town by a torch-lit mob.
During one Sunday at church, Cuda brings home Father Howard (George A. Romero) who asks him about the possibility of exorcism and demon possession. Father Howard calls upon the elderly Father Zulemans (Clifford Forrest, Jr.) over at Cuda's request. Together, Cuda and Zulemans confront Martin his bedroom and attempt to perform an exorcism on him. At this point, Martin remembers (another real or imaginary flashback), in the Old Country of people trying to perform an exorcism on him, and he flees them. Martin then flees from Cuda and Zuelmas as well. A little later that night, Martin terrorizes Cuda in a children's playground when he puts on a Dracula cape and puts false fangs into his mouth to pretend that he really is a vampire.
One day, Martin finally musters the courage to talk with Mrs. Santini during a routine delivery to her house where he tells her that he's aware of her attempts to seduce him and wants now to have sex with her. After having sex for the first time, Mrs. Santini becomes more depressed for she tells Martin that her husband just left her because she discovered that she cannot bear children, and that her desires towards him are based on sex and nothing else. But Martin wants to stay with her and help her move on with her life. Martin tells the radio show host about his affair with the housewife and that he no longer has the urge to attack other women.
Meanwhile, Arthur meets with Cuda and tells him that he wants Christine to leave town with him so they can get married and start a family. But Christine becomes angry at Cuda when he tells Arthur that insanity runs in their family and he shouldn't consider having children with her. Shortly afterwards, Christine packs up and leaves Braddock for New York with Arthur despite Martin telling her that Arthur is abusive towards her. But her mind is made up. Before leaving, Christine tells Martin that she really has no ill feelings towards him and just wants to make a fresh start with her life. She says goodbye to him and promises to write. But Martin knows that with an abusive and possessive man in Christine's life, she probably won't.
Depressed over losing his one true friend, Martin phones the radio show host and tells him that he's getting "shaky" and wants to go out looking for more victims. That night, Martin travels to a rough crime-ridden area of Pittsburgh and attacks two derelicts in a alley, injecting them with narcotics. He kills one of them by silting the bum's wrist and drinking his blood. Martin is about to kill the second one when a police car shows up and gives chase. Martin narrowly escapes during a long chase on foot which leads from the garbage strew streets and through a local store. Martin runs into an old warehouse where a drug deal is going down. A shootout between the two cops and the three thugs begins where all of them are killed, leaving Martin as the sole survivor who casually walks away from the carnage.
One day, Martin finds Mrs. Santini dead in her bathtub, after she had slit her writs with a razor blade. Martin anonymously calls the police to report the body and leaves. He phones the radio show host one final time to say that he really doesn't need friends or people to talk to for he is his own person. But when Cuda learns about Mrs. Santini's suicide, is mistakenly thinks Martin killed her and made it look like a suicide as he's done before. Cuda walks into Martin's room while he is asleep and kills him by hammering a wooden stake through Martin's heart.
Cuda buries Martin's body in his back garden, while over the closing credits various voices from people are heard talking to the radio show host asking the whereabouts of "the Count".
本来不咋感兴趣，被朋友拉着一块看了，结果意外的好看、好笑，推荐可以去看看
很不错，虽然不免俗套，但真的很开心，前半段有几个点简直把我笑哭，魏翔的演技早该有个男主角了。
对日版《魔幻时刻》一次较成功的本土化改编，段子和梗更接地气，人物关系由原来的情妇偷情改成了姐弟，更符合中国观众价值观便于移情，且原版妻夫木聪饰演的导演是有预谋地雇佣演员扮演杀手略显人物阴暗，中国版改成撞见倒霉蛋一时的闪念就轻松多了，当然反过来也可以说这是日版更高级的地方。演员表演都在线的，雨中曲致敬段落惊艳，且马丽在这里边儿比深津绘里性感啊！（勿喷
很不错，虽然不免俗套，但真的很开心，前半段有几个点简直把我笑哭，魏翔的演技早该有个男主角了。
喜剧桥段没有逻辑是无厘头，连所有的剧情都没有逻辑，就是烂片了，梦回新喜剧之王。
没抱多大期望，没想到笑点密集，翻拍本土化处理挺好，某些影迷梗也还算有趣，中间一首穿插的《天才白痴梦》真的是神来之笔！魏翔演技很不错，最后的花絮确实挺令人动容，魏翔其实更多是在演自己，戏里戏外都是第一次演主角
笑点有 但泪点没get到
我有点想看日本版了。
你麻花还是你麻花，有期望必失望。又是一部喜剧之王味很重的片，还带着舞台剧的表演方式，场景假到我仿佛看了场舞台剧录播。
前段还好，笑点密集，后段涣散了。人满满的，能让大家在假期时间笑一笑也就够了。
很喜欢“电影拯救世界”这类的主题，如果没有电影，我们的生命那会少了多少乐趣啊~
和家人去看的，非常搞笑，没有刻意煽情和低俗梗，甚至雨中曲的那段小致敬让我非常惊喜
还行吧，本来喜剧就是见仁见智，不过观众还算认可也可以了。完成得一般，有趣的是情境，可惜这个也是买来的。
有些好笑，有不太好看
我自己对搞笑有点期待，不过也没达到预期。三星给一些表演，话剧的效果应该会更好。
我娘骂骂咧咧回来要打一星，追求意义的人可以不看了，真 一点意义都没有。
谐音梗剧名烂片的先入印象，春节档票房反响表现不错的诧异，到进入影院后是出乎意料的惊喜。故事顺畅，笑料很足，舞台剧的风格，终于又有麻花的赶脚了，迷影情结的剧情背景彩蛋，黄金三镖客，雨中曲，低俗小说，教父...很有意思，也有种老电影的感觉。是春节档期值得看的片子。魏翔值得当一回主角，看完片花最后，这部电影是很有导演与演员私人关系感情的，一个演员对戏剧的感情，作为演员的摸爬滚打，也不容易。
大家爆笑的时候我的内心be like：
太飞了。如果不是麻花的，估计很难达到这个票房成绩。故事和人物但是没什么毛病，不过为了过审，搞得这么飞，看起来就觉得很悬浮。真的很遗憾。
同样是演戏我觉得去年的人潮汹涌更出色一点，这部戏其实看完没太多感觉，就是有点假吧。
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